Movie review: Fifty Shades of Grey

Some time ago a friend of my former partner involved herself in writing romance novels for a mass market publishing firm. She never showed any aptitude in writing before, but it was something to do next to running the family, which pinned her to her house for the better part of the day. The writing didn’t ask much imagination as the stories were pretty formulaic. Like painting by numbers she just stayed within predefined boundaries and soon enough she cranked out another cheap novelette under the name of a non-existent writer such as D. J. Barding.

The ingredients were always the same. The main protagonist was a woman aged twenty something to forty, single, and without any kids to tie her down. The man was in the same age range, but always a few years older, single as well, without romantic involvements. A setup to pursue their dalliance. Also the man was usually of a higher social standing and income group. She being a nurse, him being a doctor. She being a maiden, him being a lord. She being a student, him being a billionaire. And finally there was always something to surmount: a troubled past or a social barrier. The end saw the two joined in happy union. Usually.

Sounds familiar?
It is almost verbatim the story outline of fifty shades of grey.

At this point you would expect me to start a long list of this movie’s shortcomings, but I have to disappoint you for I am on the same page with the nostalgia critic in that this movie does the best with what it has got . In fact I will do one better. I find it a hilarious movie and it might be aiming for cult status by making a mockery of itself and of you.

There are preposterous moments such as at the beginning when the female protagonist, Anna, tells to a friend that Grey is so clean. Wait. What did she just say? I checked and, heck, she says it: clean.. Grey is clean. This is her appraisal of a guy she just met. And somewhat further into the movie he pops up in the hardware store she is working in and starts buying things as tie ribs, ropes and chains. And I doubled over laughing. Was this a promise of things to come? Would she, later on, be subjected to what he is buying together with her there and then?

And when he shows her his ‘play room’, a chamber done in black and red with racks filled with whips, floggers and canes – with only the bloody saw missing -, the only valid response would be to judge him batshit crazy and flee the premises, but instead she gapes as if he just revealed his private art collection, while at the same time listening to him telling her how he will use that stuff on her cause it is the only thing that turns him on. It is perfectly clear: they are seriously odd in the head.

More hilarious moments follow when they come to the contract he so persistently insists upon. So we get a lengthy exposition of all the particulars of the fetish contract and she even calls for a meeting to go point for point through the contract discussing such things as the use vaginal clamps and anal fisting. All things he wants to do to her.

Everything is off kilter in this movie that follows the prescription of a cheap romance flick but fills it with concepts that hail from the fetish world. He keeps on telling her how does not do the romantic thing, but for a large part of the movie he just does that, taking her with him in his helicopter, driving her around in his Lamborghini, taking her out for dinner and wooing her. He says A, but does B. And she believes B and ignores A. No wait she eventually begs him to do A. And when it happens she is really really upset about it.

This movie is a trashy romantic tale that you wouldn’t have wanted to see if it it hadn’t held the promise of kinkiness. The sin of this movie therefore lies not with the movie, but with its detractors. What did you expect? Romeo and Jullia go kinky? Pride and Prejudice in skin tight leathers? Superheroes in latex instead of spandex?  I am looking at you who goes to watch this on Valentine’s day and gets disappointed! What where you thinking?  You knew it is crap. You know crap stays crap because only in nature crap can produce roses. But ultimately what you wanted was PG rated kinky porn. That is by definition impossible. PG is not adult. If you want to see kinky porn go watch kinky porn.

It also gives a big middle finger to those who wanted so see their desire to have a continuous sexual stimulus, cloaked as having a ‘special’ relationship, a joining of spirits, vindicated and branded as a lifestyle. BDSM isn’t. You do it cause it turns you on. Just like using butt-plugs all the time : it is a fetish. And it remains disturbed if you need to hurt someone else for pleasure even if it is with consent and even if you label it differently. And that is what this movie shows you bondage fetishists and that is why you hate it .

 

 

 

 

 

Two nekos do Urupe 2: that darn capital city.

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Luxembourg?
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Dinner in Luxembourg.. which settled the big question for us: which was the capital city?

So….what is actual the capital city of Urupe?  Figuring out that was not easy. Some of the inhabitants told there was no such thing as the capital city of Urupe, but you and I know that they are just confused because they are Urope people. For that is what Urupe people are…confused about themselves. Like the United States of America has gotz it states and the capital city, which is Washington, so Urupe people has their states.. like German land and that place with French speaking people.. eh.. Walloon? France? Anyway.. And you gotz those Spanish people down south and those Pizza creators  somewhat to the south east.. Anyway.. since we figured the rest of the world might like to know what the place is actually their capital city we listed some candidates here.. Our pick was Luxembourg.. we settled that over dinner: it was capital.

Paris. The Moulin Rouge was bon ton we heard so we tried to get in, but we were not dressed seemingly according to the person at the entrance.
Munich
Munich. A city in the south of German land near the border with Austria. They got all kinds of fun parties going on. Southern Urupe people seem to like to party outdoors more than people up north. Must be the weather. It was October so there was a big party going on that consisted of lining up long wooden tables, have people sit at them and hand them a big mug full of beer. .
Berlin
Berlin. The tower in the picture used to be a radio tower when there were still commies in German land. Communism went out of fashion during the previous century..so now people find other excuses to resist the blessings of modern capitalism(and be lazy layabouts someone remarked)  . Which is okay for them… but is it okay for you and me?
Lundun.. It actually reads London everywhere.. but people seem to say.. Lundun. Like it some kind of ancient roman place.. which it actually was. even older..Anyway. Someone said whe had to make sure to find Big Ben. We did not find him so we took this picture of these lovely trees lining the street and this tower in the back.
Lundun. It actually reads London everywhere.. but people seem to say Lundun. Like it some kind of ancient roman place.. which it actually was. even older! Anyway. Someone said we had to make sure to find Big Ben. We did not find him so we took this picture of these lovely trees lining the street and this tower in the background. Don’t you love that little red car?! It is a mini.
English people call the subway an underground, which is an apt name until it gets above ground, then it is still called an underground, but above ground.. shows how confused people in Urupe are.
Venice.. that is a place in the north of Italy. It was a place full of water, bridges and old buildings. A plaza was called a piazza. Normally it is very hot and suffocation were were told, but we had this strange foggy weather which made the place a bit mysterious.. especially because it was devoid of people.
Amsterdam
Amsterdam is known for canals which the Dutch people call grachten. Dutch people are very confused about their identity as they live in the Netherlands, which they call Holland at times and they refer to themselves as being Dutch. Up north live Dutch people who call themselves Frisians. Amsterdam is also famous for the red light district and other pastimes like smoking grass and bicycle nicking. The last thing means those canals have to be cleaned at times as most stolen bicycles end up in them.

Silly laws 1: moose

Alaskan laws:

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane

“Hey!”

Raine grabbed the side of her chair.  She made a sudden sideway motion, then felt herself  drop a dozen feet.  Her stomach followed a bit too late with the rest of her body. She felt nauseated.

There was a loud bleating from the back of the plane mixed with some shouts from the other passengers.

Raine worked her way toward the flightdeck, assisted by a sudden nosedive of the plane. She fell against the door, smashing her nose. Then the plane pulled up she almost fell backwards again, but she grabbed the door handle, thus opening the door. There was red on the handle.

“What the hell is wrong.” Raine shouted through the high pitch sound of an engine. There were lamps flashing on the panels.

“We lost one engine.”  Latimer, their pilot said with clenched teeth. He was fighting the yoke as if he I he was in a bullfight.

“We’re crashing?”

“Nah. The ride is just a bit more bumpy.” Latimer grunted. “It can fly one one engine.”

“Planning on an emergency landing?”

“We got nowhere to put her down here, “  he pointed towards the mountains, trees and water, “ And if we hit something at this speed, we will be torn to shreds. Need to lose some weight!”

“You mean as in throwing something of the plane?”

“Yeah.”

“Mervin!” Raine roared.

“Here!” Came from the back.

“One of the engines has had it. We need to lighten this thing.. Anything we can get rid off?”

“Let me, see.. We got the combat gear.”

“We need those and that is expensive stuff. Something else?”

“We got these crates of beer. Two of them” Mervin said. His voice suggested he was not thrilled at the idea of losing the beer.

“The crates?” Raine said to the pilot, “ Five of them, that would be around 60 pounds I guess.”

“We need lose more.”

“There is the moose.”  Mervin shouted, “It is big.”

“The moose?” Raine and Latimer eyed each other.

“Yeah… we could.. well. We could push it from the plane.”

“You’re mad. The poor thing.” Raine said, “ Can’t we crash the plane in the river?”

“I can’t say what will happen when I do.” Latimer said.”But I figure if we drop the moose into a river it will be ok. The water will break it’s fall. There is the Nowita River coming up.” He pointed forward.

Raine cursed.”We get rid of the moose then. Say when.”

She struggled through the plane to the cargo hold. She and Mervin then buckled up their safety cords and opened the back of the plane.  They saw fir trees rushing past underneath them. The moose moaned loudly.

They removed the gate of the cage holding the moose and started to pull the animal backward towards the exit. The moose had enlarged eyes that shifted rapidly. It  braced itself and it refused to budge.

“Dammit. Can you pull up so it drops out?” Raine shouted. Underneath her she could see the river appear.

“I could give it a slight boost. But the engine will overheat!”

The plane suddenly pulled up, but the moose had locked itself tight in the cage.

“We need make it let go.”  Raine said.

“Maybe we can drop it with the cage.” Mervin mused

“It would drown.”

“Hmm..” Mervin said and looked at the crates. “We could start with losing the crates. Pitty, II could use a beer. Sometimes gives you good ideas.”

“That is it.”  Raine said, “Grab some bottles.”

Mervin got her some beer.

Raine removed the cap of one beer by using the other one and then pushed it into the mouth of the moose. The frightened animal first refused to drink, but then it started to drink.

Mervin grinned..

“Get more.” Raine said.

It took both crates before the animal let go. It waddled towards the open bay door. Then the  pilot shouted a warnin. The planes engine suddenly roared loudly and the plane pulled up. Mervin grabbed something, but Raine dropped together with the moose from the plane. Her safety line  arrested her fall. Dangling underneath the plane she saw the truss bridge  that had forced the pilot pull up the plane, a small village  and the moose arcing towards the bridge. It missed the bridge and plunged into the river. The shockwave caused a group of canoes to topple over and spill the paddlers and the contents into the river. Despite her precarious position Raine could not help but laugh at the ludicrous sight.

After Mervin had pulled her in, the plane labored it’s way towards the nearest airport.

There they were arrested.

“What for?? Nobody was harmed.” Raine excalimed.

“Yeah.. we had to do it.” Latimer said, “Otherwise we would have crashed.”

“That moose of yours. You know what it did?”

They shook their heads.

“It swam ashore, then lumbered into the village, wrecking property, broke into the local store, ravaged the interior before falling asleep. There are reasons we have laws against feeding mooses alcohol!” The policeman growled.