Henry and Kristl survived Resident Evil: Apocalypse

“You might say bigger, but can we say better? What do you think?”  Henry turned to Kristl.


Kristl was  hanging slack jawed in the corner of the couch. She was wearing grungy  jeans, tank top, sleeveless jacket everything in dark grey, black and white colors. Her Jacket was adorned with button pins of music bands from the eighties:The Cure , Violent Femmes, New wave, London Calling,Beastie Boys. He felt awkward because under the angle she was lying he noticed the shape of a breast. .

“Hey, wake up!” He shook Kristl’s arm.




“Resident Evil. Apocalypse? You know the movie we have been watching?”

“Oh yes”,  Kristl veered up, “I bet a lot of people will make funny jokes with that.. Like Apocalypse for the senses. Or Apocalypse for the brain.”

“So you didn’t like it?”

“It tries very hard to be unliked. As much as it tries to be liked.”

“I thought the more bangs and babes worked well. That female cop was a cool and hot chick. Also I liked the supporting cast more. That soldier Carlos with his russian sidekick. They seemed to have a little bit more personality. Albeit that black american was too much cast as the comic relief. ”

“But the whole movie is ramshackle in it’s consistency. The plot is a major problem.  They know about the t-virus, but they open the hive with a few armed guards. The SUV gets hit by a truck without any explanation, so the kid is stuck in the city. It was just a weird accident. The dead in the graveyard animate. How? And why exactly at that moment they are there? The whole church scene. The zombie dogs in the school. The wall around the city.

The worst is the epilogue. Umbrella detonates a nuclear missile above the city and passes that off as a nuclear meltdown. You can’t pass one off for the other because the explosion pattern is completely different.  And if they want people to believe it was a nuclear meltdown of a power plant, there had to be one there, so why did they not blow that one up?”

“Basically. the movie is sequence of action scenes. Personally I liked those and that is why people should watch them,but it simply lacks everything that makes the matrix good: a well developed plot and characters you care about. Even underworld has more likeable characters and a better plot.”

“Yeah, the plot and the acting was just put in as an afterthought. A shame really as the games actually seemed to have much more consistency. At least from what I read.” Kristl said, “Maybe they should just stick to those plot lines instead of making their own.”

“You know. That Jill Valentine. I liked her better than Alice. Not because she is prettier but because she is a human that can be hurt unlike Alice. The thing is I liked everyone more: Carlos L. J. the news person.  They are all humans and all lose people and all can be hurt. Unlike Alice.”

“Personally I have had it with all the cool chicks that have hardly any personality. This includes Jill Valentine. What person walks into a police station and starts blowing away people like that.. People might have thought that was cool. I thought it was cringeworthy.

And I am tired of the same old tricks: like whenever someone approaches a person from behind that person is ALWAYS a monster that turns around suddenly and lunges at you. And always when they kill one monster after a desperate struggle and you think it is over, the next one or two appear.” Kristl said.

“So you didn’t  like Alice?”

“Nope. I didn’t care for her one bit and I was baffled those people, Carlos, Jill and L. J. came to save her. I could not believe why they would do so. And even more: how come that umbrella organisation that is so highly effective in covering up the zombie outbreak, is unable to stop three people that are wanted from taking Alice away. And don’t say Umbrella wanted that, because this is only shown when they leave. And why? No explanation given.”

“Curiously.  I somehow feel you are right. If she had a little bit more personality and was less the super being that is cool. Then maybe, yeah.“

“That is probably the best way to describe the movie.”


“Maybe, yeah.”


Henry and Kristl sat through Resident Evil(2002)

“More zombies.” Kristl said in a tried voice. She put down the empty cup that had held her raspberry slush puppy. It had not really helped with the exhaustion she felt, which had been brought on by watching a marathon of Resident Evil movies..

“I like zombies.” said Henry.

“Love at first bite?”

“Gosh. That is so lame and that from you..”

“Just tired.” Kristl whispered.

“Overall an adequate movie. Zombies, shooting, people dying, weird monsters and Milla Jovovich. The tension is built up slowly as it takes a long time for the movie to show the monsters. I think they appear past the thirty minutes mark. It is a good thing. Don’t lay down all the cards at once.
While I don’t get attached to most of the characters they aren’t too disturbing. Personally I find it a pity that the Hispanic girl Rain at the end turned zombie, but i didn’t feel sorry either as she might as well die, because she just kept having the same facial expression. Overall it was is pretty predictable with forgettable characters. Even to Milla seems a bit tame.”

“I find it hard to rank a movie like this. How can you compare this movie to something like the Godfather series or to stick to the same genre, movies like those from the Dead series or Aliens. Just very hard to do.” Kristl said.

“Personally I think the movie marred by the start. The whole movie hinges on the fact that this super secret high tech laboratory controlled by a computer is incapable of stopping a virus from spreading through air-vents. Also a bit strange that people and dogs turn into flesh craving monsters by an airborne virus but when a few hours later the soldiers appear, they only get infected by being bitten. You have to accept that this one virus behaves in different ways depending on how it infects living beings. It might be conceivable ,but it all is a bit stretching it.” Henry said.

“So..what it comes down too is an adequate zombie flick that might entertain people. Mostly people who are interested in zombie films that aren’t too scary. Anyone else will probably find better movies to watch.” Kristl said

“There is one thing that puzzles me and it is the reaction of Alice to the death of Rain. Although Alice reacts to the death of the others with suitable shock, she burst in tears when that guy shoots Rain in the head when she turns zombie. I mean she cried like she just lost her lover. I wonder.”

“Maybe she just collapsed from exhaustion?” Kristl said.

“Maybe they were in love?” Henry suggested.

“You thinks so?”

“Hot steamy lesbian love.” Henry said, “You know it.”

Not again, Kristl thought.



Henry and Kristl chat about Resident Evil: Afterlife.

“I like that plane sequence where Alice flies with her companion over a desolate zombie infested country side. I can imagine doing that. It feels safe but eerie at the same time. A bit like when in The Mist they are in the car driving through that mist. On the one hand you feel safe in that car, but on the other you know you are not.” Kristl said, “And I like small propeller planes.”

 “And Milla Jovovich looks great..” Henry added.

 “Like Kate Beckinsale does in underworld, huh? Ladies with guns that kick ass. At the start those Alice clones are even wearing some kind of suit that reminds me of Selene. Is that a reference to Underworld perhaps?”

 “There is a lot of ‘referencing’ being done in this movie. That monster with the big axe walked right out of Silent Hill. And Wesker looks and behaves like Mr Smith from the Matrix. And the dogs and zombies with tentacles somehow remind me off the thing.”

 “I didn’t quite understand where that axe guy came from and why it attacked those people in that prison. Did someone send it? And why?” Kristl tapped her underlip with a finger.

 “I guess the Umbrella people sent them. Maybe to try them out or to chase those people out of the prison. “

 “I also don’t quite understand why Umbrella keeps on experimenting. What for? There is nobody alive to kill anymore, except for a handful of survivors, who hardly pose a threat or have the will and means to buy whatever Umbrella makes. “

 “I think that there isn’t much reason in the movie, just spiffy combat sequences. That is all that matters for this kind of movie. It needs to deliver some hectic fighting scenes with Milla in the middle whacking zombies and other creeps, and in the end she kills the head baddie in a spectacular way. Although in this movie he finally kills himself, which is actually funny, but the effect is a bit lost as it seems too far fetched to rely on him to escape in a plane containing the bomb he sets off himself. Spectacular, but unbelievable.”

 “ The prison sequence reminds me of dawn of the dead, where they are cornered in a mall or the walking dead where they are isolated in a prison.The writer of the script was mostly borrowing from other movies. Seems like lazy writing. Lazy as when Alice and that other girl go somewhere  with a third person, you know that third person is going to get killed.”

 “And wham it happens.” Henry grins..

 “All the time! I wonder how long they can keep on making Resident Evil in this fashion. Dish up some action scenes with barely a story to stitch them together or have some kind of character development.  An Umbrella stronghold gets blown to bits with every movie, even two at times, how many are there left?”

 “ No worries, I think the next Resident Evil installment will play on Mars. Perhaps Alice even discovers they have been on Mars all the time.” Henry laughed, “No doubt it will be referencing Aliens, Doom and Ghosts of Mars.”

 “But you know what I think is the best reference of all?”  Kristl said.

 “Do tell”

 “That Hollywood sign they fly over and is shown as partly damaged and partly burning. It s captures exactly what Hollywood is and delivers with Resident Evil: Afterlife: a smoking pile of junk that looks cool.”

“Amen to that.”